lovesick
E is enamorado
munai waina kangki

j milestones

sitting in my sunroom, watching the sun go down. many milestones have occurred in the past few months: i got me a new cuñada and cousin-in-law, j and i are talking again, it's peru for the long run, grad sch apps are in process. 

will just talk briefly about j, seeing that most of this blog has been ele. yes we have started talking again, and it's been good. i remember that morning, amidst the panic of how to get to yishun on time to play for encounter, there came the familiar gchat notice 'click'. it was sweet really, because he was aware i was days away from heading back to peru. pues, antes de esto talvez ya estabamos comunicandonos por gchat stati. un dia dije que extrañaba mucho a EEUU porque realmente estaba con muchas saudades de DC...y él puso que le echaba de menos al sureste asia! fue bastante chistoso! pero warm and fuzzy igual. tenia un outpouring de emociones que me provocó, que hizo que las lágrimas se caían. desde ese dia, creo que sí el radio silence ya se rompió, y reanudamos hablando, poco a poco. estos dias que estoy en la ofi mientras él lo mismo, hemos estado charlando, cada vez mas. ha sido emocional para mi, creo que para él tambien, porque todavia nos quedan algunos sentimientos residuos, sean fuertes o débiles. pero mi corazon está mejor, está lista para retomar esta amistad sin inundarlo con emociones abrumadores. 

si esto nos sale bien, estaré sumamente feliz y contenta, porque realmente le quiero y es dulce dulce dulce lo que era. y yo soy optimista!

querido

me duele, ma dan muchas ganas, me estoy dando vueltas en mi mente.

yesterday felt like the day he left DC. me acuerdo del vacío que sentia, las "saudades" tan fuerte como nunca, las lágrimas que cayeron sin provocar. josh and i decided yesterday that we would not communicate anymore, at least till i'm "ready".

he said that he can no longer bear the frustration of constant pining, and the painful lack of an end in sight for it. embora que a gente quer tanto manter e desenvolver o que a gente tem, reconhecemos a realidade de nossa situação, e não podemos fazer nada para que seja melhor e menos doloroso.

le quiero muchísimo. no he parado de extrañarle con mucha fuerza y mucho de mi ser desde aquel día cuando se fue a portugal. desde entonces, hemos pasado por bastantes cambios y situaciones dificiles, hitos significativos de la vida y en nuestra relación, hemos atravesado por continentes y zonas de horas- y seguimos queriendonos con muchas ganas. lo bonito en todo esto es este hecho- que nos estamos dejando, pero con una abundancia de cariño, amor y saudades para uno al otro.

One of the first impressions I had of you was what an incredibly innovative and driven man you are, the way ideas were constantly brewing in your head, and how you were always up for an adventure! I loooved it, and was so glad that you wanted to have those with me in DC, even just as a buddy! It started out so simple at the beginning (info interview please!), and seeing where things have gone since marvels me. We've truly shared in many important life milestones, even traversing continents, both tú y yo, and I am so incredibly glad that you were there, and that I got to go through those with you. Those moments are so precious to me and I treasure dearly everything we've been through. 

i already miss him badly, and will continue to do so. and i hold dearly and close to my heart the memories. são muitas lembranças que estamos levando con nós, desde DC a Portugal a Peru a Nova Iorque a Singapur. aula de português; informational interview; miso soup; mount p; countries starting with; interface; soy su doctor; esperando na janela; courthouse and tofu; são demais o que a gt tem compartilhado, e me lembro de tudo.

muito obrigada, querido, por tudo que me tem dado. acho que a gente pode superar todo isso num tempo curto, e podemos ser amigos de novo um día. por favor que seja forte, como seu amor para mim. sinto bastante sua falta

Cusquito

Last night in Villa Carmen! As always, love this place to bits. The last trip was our first to get to know this place, and this time, I’ve felt like family (and worker). I have a feeling it’s just Peru in general and the way in which people treat foreigners—with the immense grand hospitality that I always am blessed to receive. This time, I’ve really felt so loved by people here at VC. Jonatan the Johnny look-alike who invited me to the insider clandestine disco outing (pero que no baila como lo original), Señora Charito who gives me double portions of food every night (hehe), Frank who asked me to consider teaching environmental education in the indigenous communities for 2 months, lindo little Jeffercito who kids around so much, Luchito who invited me to a Sprite in el pueblo, and Don Porfirio who took me on Frank’s moto to a mirador of Manu! Love the heat, the hard labor, the generous food portions, the fact that you have to accept that you “swell” in the selva, the passion for agriculture and fauna and flora that everyone shares over meals. Even Mr. Stick Insect and Sir Long-horned beetle who have hovered around our netted beds. But probs not the whoever who gave me those pus-filled bites, and now ugly scars, in time for kor’s wedding. But right now, the sounds that fill my ears is pure music. I love this.

Only 6 days till I fly out of Peru, and although I am way too excited to be home and in Asia and with all the festivities, I have had an incredible time in Peru. Gaaaah where do I begin! Ah, point form. Always helps with getting it all.

·      Salsa with the salseros and our grupito. Definitely my defining experience so far. I really wonder what we did every weekend with Mona/Kelly before this past weekend! Totes in love with Johnny Sulla Perceros and the waaaay heee mooooves. Why so mesmerizing! Mythology à The Muse. Mythology à The Muse (repeat 8 times). Franshesco+Johnny+Johan+Alfredo+Mona+Celine+Kelly: repeat 8 times. All the games the brincheros machistas play, all the classes they give and we take (son or lineal?), the striking out FOUR TIMES (oh man, a whole other paragraph), the ron in that mamak shop, the stroll in Magisterio, the next-day chat with Mona over empanadas, the sitting there and staring, the dying of happiness on the empty Mythology dance floor following one of them’s lead, the being in the “in” group (score!), the games we play, the first time we went outside to dance—stolen from the comfy embrace of little Johan haha, the anxiously awaiting an appearance at the Cusco es Fiesta concert (still funnn), the awesome last night without Alfredo that made all the difference, but seriously, the ridic striking out FOUR times. I was kinda hopeful the last time just cos it was the very last day, but nope! – gotta live up to the expectations, eh. I suppose we now just wait in anticipation of Enero, when we will have a grand reunion. It will be gooood.

·      Amazing nature, and the trips I’ve taken.  La selva y VC ya sabes que me encantan. Also feel like I know Parcartambo/Challabamba pretty well from having been through multiple times, purposefully and on trips to and from VC. Thanks for Yahayra, also got to see the south of Cusco a little—mainly through Oropesa and Lucre. Wonderful house party! Danced a bunch, ate a lot of bread and cake and multiple animals from lechones to gallinas, inclusive a lot of chica de jora. And going back to the very first weekend, when we hiked up beyond Sacsayhuaman to have a huatia! Ate a lot papas then, yay food. Being in VC includes a whole lot of memories too, like hiking with Daniel, helping in the kitchen, meals with everyone talking about uta etc, working in the plátano plantation, painting letreros, getting attacked by guacamayos, sitting in the dark laboratorio with J, getting moto rides jeje, and all those marvelous things! I’ll be excited to come back here—I’ve already been promised rides de paseo with Katy and Lucho to see more of the forest, and a whole host of other good things. I have awful scars on my legs now damn it, but I’ve been in the Amazon and that’s what it is.

·      I’ve really appreciated getting to know the sierra, too. It’s no longer a place that’s cold…well, still cold, literally, and the people too apparently. But, it has a special place in my heart now. I’ve lived and been in this zona, and have come to learn bastante about the way of life. Quechua, la agripecuaria, the bosques motanos/yungas, los huaynos.  And then learning the difference between the costeños y serranos.  Of course, I see Cusco extremely differently now. Even though I don’t spend a ton of time in el Centro itself, I love it. I know it, and I love it.

·      I know I haven’t said anything about my work yet…honestly that has been a challenge. In a way, I expected too much for things to be lax so I came with the attitude. Turns out I don’t have good enough work ethic; I don’t work hard enough! I’m so thankful that I’m ending up getting quite sufficient a stipend from ACCA :) I did really enjoy my work with Mona, designing that survey. I suppose that will continue! And then my side projects have been totally manageable, and Karen has been great in allowing me the flexibility to travel with the technical team. The office is totally wonderful, I love them all, but I’m most of all glad to have Kelly. Which is why I’m bummed that Cristina has left ACCA in Puerto i.e. I just lost an instant best friend. But, Joselo is around! And I hope the office is wonderful. Work-wise, I will be excited to return to pick up once more where I leave off. I just need to find motivation…that’s what’s been lacking. I’ll find it hidden behind a tree, I’m sure.

·      Social life wise, I am such a happy girl! I’ve found my best girl buddies in Mona, Kelly, Laura and Yahayra, girls I can count on for a good time! Guys wise, high five to the chicos at the escuela, several of whom I can indeed count on too for a decent good time :) And then there’s Elvis and Alex, the Ninoska group, Yngrid and pals, and then all the random people who’ve crossed my path in other ways. I am indeed blessed to be surrounded by people who care. Joshie was nice enough to say that people don’t forget me easily, so I hope that I can come back to a nice community. Although things change so constantly around here and always, so I wouldn’t be surprised to have to regroup, resettle and reestablish myself. Life is kept interesting that way, I suppose!

·      Joshua Fisher. I miss the dude. 3 months apart already, and we’ve crossed several (key) milestones over distance. After all the craziness of the past 2 weeks, creo que ya estoy lista para ser un poco mas tranquila. We’ll see what the time difference will do. It was here in Cusco that we had our real disagreements, our real convo, our real being okay with our situation. Weird as it sounds, the locura aqui helped a bunch with things, but I’m so much better adjusted to us. I’m just…much better. Good place con él. Pues, a little bit of our conversation:

“According to Josh, it won’t require that much change. But it means we have to be open and honest with each other about our feelings. Whether it’s about wanting to pursue something/one else, or not pursuing us. We’ll still talk when we want to, be comfortable telling each other that we miss each other or love the other. Meaning all this, with a selfless love. Giving each other the space that we’ll need to build our own lives, and not holding each other to expectations that will frustrate us or lead us to unrealistic or painful hopes.

-       not sure how hard or realistic it’ll be in practice, but we should be able to respect each other and understand if we decide to pursue something else/not pursue this

-       come the day that we’re together physically, if our emotions are in the same place and we feel the same for each other, then we can be together. This option leaves the chance for that. But we have to be honest at any point about our emotions.

-       on my part then, I just need to lower my expectations, and not need for him to be committed. I can still want for him to sacrifice for me (and he said that he feels the same way when I said that I don’t feel like he’s holding me back in any way in my life here), but I can’t get mad when he doesn’t (my own words…)

-       so yeah, in summary I do think that we just want to keep the status quo that we’re in, but to not hold each other to our expectations.”

Eso es lo que es con el menino. Pues, en 3 días ya me voy de Cusco. In some ways, I’m relieved to be leaving this life behind, for the moment. Haha I’m tired from all the late nights.  But, the year-long vacay continues, in whichever continent I’m in. I am glad too that I will be coming back here. Cusco has definitely grown, profoundly, on me. Walking around town today, I came to realize (proudly and happily) that this city is my home! So blessed that I was sent here, so I have the privilege of living here and learning about the serrana and cusqueña culture. Precious! Wouldn’t trade this for the world, despite the cold, the bites, the heavy liquor/chela intake. All that comes together beautifully.

Cusco, ciudad de mi amor y mi cariño. Hasta pronto.

fea conversa

i haven't written here in two months. josh heads back to the EW-S tomorrow already. wow. was just reading about how i was feeling before his departure, y lo que siento en este momento es tan diferente! que ha volado el tiempo.

so just had a conversation bastante pesada with him- on his last night. clearly ruined it for him, hope he still enjoys his coffee overlooking lisbon. ahora solo que pensar o hacer todo sin pensar en él. aparte de él. seriously.

circumstances wouldn't magically, automatically change things. como cuando yo llegue a Perú, de ahi se acabará todo porque me cambio la vida? - totally false. pero a la vez, las circunstancias cambian como se relacionan las personas, la profundidad de lo que se siente uno por el otro, las partes de la vida que comparten entre si. and then again, this transitioning back to the US nos traerá mas normalcy? de esto, ya no tengo mucha confianza, ya que igual estará en un estado de mucho movimiento. y de ahi, yo me voy para asia y estará entre nosotros un diferencia de horas bastante ancha.

i feel awful for being the one who's always mad/annoyed (nota: a la situación, no a él), o sea the one who actually expresses it, and i hate to have it sow any bad feelings between us. pero creo que tengo que expresarme a lo que cuesta, porque tampoco quiero esconder lo que siento cuando conversamos. ha another point of great divergence between us. the first time was what we thought about the chemistry that we had: alignment = 0. y esta vez, he thinks we're doing incredibly well considering the circumstances that we're in. yo...no tanto. está tan optimista? pero creo que para mi hay más para pensar? YA SE que nunca vamos a tener un futuro juntos y claro que esto me influencia como pienso.  para mí, es solo una cuestión del tiempo: hasta cuando nos podemos mantener este ritmo. tal vez estoy más apurada, con menos paciencia, menos aguanto lo que es ahora, con la distancia en todos sentidos. cuando le veo, tampoco me siento emocionada como antes, ay que feo la verdad. pero que lindo lo que dijo "our time together was AMAZING. And it was too short. And I badly want more time together... NOW and in the future". igual, es tonto decir cosas que no van a pasar sin pensar o conversar en más profundidad?


pues, sin mucho más que decir. estamos a ver.

no sad

day 3 desde sua saida.

tal vez poderia falar sobre o fim que compartilhamos. ou seja o fim de semana e também o fim da gente (em pessoa). a despedida foi muito, muito emocional...com certeza a mais emocional que tenho tido. não podia acreditar, obviamente, que por fim chegou o dia de dizer-lhe "ate nunca". chorei, e chorei forte. ele também...me falou que não podia lhe ver indo embora porque isso lhe ia fazer muito mal. tentamos partir-nos, mais não podia reter as lagrimas como três veces, e ele não me podia deixar. realmente, pensar em nunca poder lhe abraçar nem ver em pessoa, não podia aguentar.

a ultima semana que tivemos...foi demais bonita. bom, todo o tempo que temos juntos, sempre bonito. a semana começou com a segunda- andamos por o waterfront em georgetown com um chá verde do ching ching cha... a conversação foi muito ligeiro, feliz, com muitos risos :) tao contente tô pensando nisso! we strolled the boardwalk, pegadas, conversando... depois fuimos ver o filme, onde não podíamos deixar de ver-nos kk. acho que perdimos quasi a mitade do filme olhando uns ao outro jiji. mudamos muitos carinhos e amor entre nos, ele é tão carinhoso.

a quarta, tivemos planificado ir ao artomatic. it was FUN. man, such a great last week we had! kk o quarto oscuro. ay, de verdade sinto muito falta como me segura, como sua mão segurando a minha se sente. comimos em jaleo- seu preferido. essa noite me fiquei na sua casa em clarendon. foi bonito, como sempre...mas naquele tempo ele estava recuperando e eu, também tive o meu handicap. igual foi demais lindo. lindo, lindo. lindo deitar-se e depois acordar com ele, vendo-lhe, ao seu lado. sigh, a manhã do domingo, depois de acordar, a gente se veia...e choramos :( sabendo que isso seria a ultima vez de acordar ao lado do outro (tô com muitas saudades).

acho que isto é a primeira vez que tenho querido tanto a alguém, no sentido romantico. é tão nova a experiencia, é a primeira vez que sento assim para alguém. me custa bastante, me rompo o coração, sento uma saudade profunda, que me faz doer. é doce, intenso e por isso doloroso e penoso.

que doce é ele! na noite da sexta, a gente hung out em clarendon...thai food, a walk around the neighborhood, a supposed gelato and espresso on a warm summer evening. ao fim, me dou a meus goodbye gifts essa noite. me falou que queria me dar-os para não ter que fazer-lô no ultimo dia. man, i loved all his gifts. a faca pequena como a sua, a cartão cheia de palavras doces, a livro de CS Lewis que vou ler, e o sun-box que contem notes....such sweet notes! até agora tenho lido como 5, e ainda tem 5! leio um cada noite...it's his way of being around even when he isn't, which i LOVE. it's very comforting. that friday night too, abraçamos e nos consolamos enquanto we teared. he's so great at that...comforting. no aeroporto quando estava sobbing out of control ele me abraçou e falou "it's alright, it's alright". embora ele chorou mais do que eu. sigh, querido meu.

e nosso penultimo dia juntos...i spent all the time after parting in the morning (after his bike ride, kk eu lhe vi em seu elemento- seu bike gear! feliz :)) making him his card. and chilling in the cafe with the roommies, and chatting with drew. it was good. just that i ended up taking so long to make it, i got to his place late- when he'd made sure to come home early to me! but he was sooo happy about his ride with andrew. esteve muito feliz! it was sweet, was his farewell ride with his best friend :) hmmm i guess i still know his friends here, né? will sure make me feel connected to him still. esp andrew, and the connection with tiernan we now have. but, no going to dupont farmer's markets anymore- serving every single sunday from now till the end!

but yes, that second last day. he was soo beat and burnt kk! tentamos take a nap no tiny couch....wanted HIM to, but i ended up napping instead- while he didnt! tudo bom. adoro cuddle com ele, e esse sofa pequeno, que engraçado! foi o mesmo na sua casa de mt p! depois fuimos a seu storage para põr suas ultimas coisas lá. HAHAH o seu dummy bag!! foooony kid. then we stopped by wholefoods, got picnic-y foods, and metro-ed to the jefferson. from that point on till much later in the night, ele pareceu muito distante...falou que esteve muito pensive, claramente pareceu assim. mas comimos pelo agua e fuimos ver a exposição do jefferson memorial. hmmm, i remember our chat on the way back to the metro. me falou que ele sinceramente cared for me a lot, and that he hoped the next person i date (porque é natural e obvio que isso vai acontecer) will see what he sees in me, and that he's a guy who deserves me.

também durante nossa conversação em northside social...it was such a good conversation over such great beers. sua ultima noite! passou a sua noite comigo :) sentados abaixo dos luces, uma tender e sincere conversation. igual falamos sobre o futuro, nossos pensamentos sobre a situação, o que poderia acontecer...de novo falou sobre seus desejos para a próxima pessoa com quem saio, se seja ele o não. falou que sou "an amazing partner". i wish i'd written down his words (i remember thinking this too while he spoke. such sweet, sincere words, always). falou que tinha pensando na possibilidade do que nossa relação seja do longo prazo...mas que é quasi impossível já que nem sei quando seria a próxima vez que eu esteja nos estados unidos, enquanto ele vai ficar aqui por dois anos mais. e as questões fundamentais difíceis sobre as creencias e a familia...hmm. what could i say? that i hadn't thought about things that far. that one year ahead is way too far to plan (but, man, in one year we might be found in the peruvian andes-amazon INTERFACE together. i sure hope that happens!), even for my own life. and that this relationship really has surprised me. entrou a minha vida num jeito muito maravilhoso :)

e essa noite, lhe dei a cartão. he cried as he read it (that was my plan kk). i guess i was surprised at how emotional he was that weekend. i always knew he was a sentimental kid, but it still surprised me a little bit. gosto dum homem que possa chorar sem vergonha...oh haha that night we tried reliving that second/third one onde adormecemos com labios tocando- mas a verdade é que nunca poderemos! he was so exhausted, we were emotionally spent. durante a noite só nos abraçamos, and lay as close as we could to each other. i think that's all we wanted, to etch in our memories how it feels to be close to each other.

the next day we busied ourselves with the logistical prep. got breakfast at that bayou bakery como sempre...biscuit with egg and cheese, com chai latte e iced coffee. this time, an extra orange juice and chocolate croissant for good measure. and then we cleaned nicole's. he is such a meticulous person, very neat and tidy and responsible. and a thorough, stressed packer! i would spend probably 10% of the effort he puts into preparing into my own prep. and add some panic to that, but, that's alright. he sure was a "busybody", getting into all the details two times over and cleaning the shower so well haha! said it was his way of distracting himself from the pending goodbye. i was happy taking his songs. and hiding notes in his stuff!

the travel to the airport itself was normal just cos he had his huge pack to carry. after the checking in and the internet errands, though, it was time for just us. as he said, to love and dote on me. and we sure did, on each other. everything else that happened from then till i saw him disappear into the crowd past the gates and security check, i doubt i'll forget for a long time. definitely the hardest goodbye i've ever said, and the biggest scene i've ever made at the airport. as megan said, everyone needs a good airport scene, no? after i saw him go though, when walking away on my own, i felt peace. and a pure, sincere happiness, for having had all that we'd shared. i felt blessed and grateful for having had that. and truly happy for what he was to embark on. sure, my head hurt for 2 days after that from sobbing so hard, and i felt such a deep saudade for him. still do. the rest of the night, i just basked in nostalgia, went through our past that we'd recorded through photos, emails, gchats. and man i miss him so. but i do feel more contente do que triste por, como falei, haber tido a oportunidade de compartilhar tantos momentos lindos bonitos preciosos com ele.

well, we're still talking! and boy, am i glad he wants to talk to me everyday still. acabo de desligar com ele em skype, and man, sinto muito sua falta! so, this is our period of "vamos ver" and "going with the flow" and "maybe having feelings fizzle out, or become stronger". at some points, i'm not sure how i feel about us now, because he feels so far away. but for sure i miss him a TON, and still feel strongly for him. não acredito que os sentimentos que tenho para ele podem diminuir tão facilmente. it is fascinating though, this, i suppose, LDR. vamos ver, vamos ver.

:)

os poucos sentimentos falados

oh WOW way too long since i've written here. desperate emotions call for rare measures.

acabo de hablarle, y las emociones son muy fuertes, muy fuertes. le quiero mucho, y me hace ser alguien que no conozco, alguien que habla de las emociones profundas, alguien que le da a otra persona tanto de ella, que se abierta hasta el punto donde le hace doler dentro de si. las circunstancias son malas, o sea, son como son, pero nos hacen sentir mucha frustración, pena, dolor, renuencia; alegria, bendición, libertad, emoción, aventura.

i think i hurt him badly, which is so selfish of me. claro que no hizo nada mal, todas estas emociones vienen de mi. o sea tal vez no, pero no hay malas intenciones por su parte. there really is not one bad bone in him; no bad intention, a rabid aversion to having anyone be sad, such intense empathy for people. de verdad lo encuentro difícil culparle por nada, de verdad es una persona tan bella, tan generosa, tan graciosa (en los dos sentidos).

he did express tonight how one thing he likes es como tanta la potencial que tengo, y como la persigo y todo con lo cual la persigo. y él quiere ver, con tantas ganas, como serian las cosas para mi, que tenga mucho éxito en mi carrera. y por esta razón, muchas veces me quiere dejar el espacio, el tiempo, de hacer estas cosas e.g. BIC paper. y aparte, él tiene una habilidad particular de enfocarse en una tarea con todo su atención, sin estar distraído por nada. y creo que por aqui surge la disonancia entre nosotros, porque muchas veces la cosa que quiero sobre todo es su compañía, su presencia al lado mio.

hablamos tambien sobre las inseguridades que tenemos como pareja uno sobre el otro. que es natural que yo he pienso alguna vez sobre sus intenciones, sus deseos desde nuestra relación. pero dijo que espera que pueda ver por sus acciones cuanto me quiere, cuanto he's crazy about me and cannot express in words how much he cares for me. ahora me dan tanta pena sus inseguridades, que vienen por la mayor parte de su crianza. que siempre va a estar luchando por el éxito, para prove himself and show that he can achieve this.

ah, dang it, falling asleep. i'll process the rest tomorrow, or some other day.
____________

COUNTDOWN: 6 days.

date night tonight was way sweet. but to be honest, almost all of our date nights are super sweet. the bar's been raised really high this time. me da un poco pena no haber detallado este viaje con él, meu namoradinho, precioso, querido, amore, babe. no creo que sea tarde hacerlo esta semana: su ultima.

es muy, muy fuerte lo que sera esta semana. nuestros sentimientos y emociones son sky-high, tal vez él mas que yo, pero en una semana, me va a dejar en pedazitos mientras tenga su aventura en Portugal. a la vez seria mi ultimo mes aqui en DC y igual me quedan muchisimas cosas que hacer, que cerrar esta fase de mi vida. siempre ha sido asi, nosotros dos con nuestras agendas y planes y futuros. yo estoy intendando procesar todo, pensar en cómo lo voy a tratar en cuanto la perdida de alguien tan cercana de mi, alguien a quien me he abierto tanto, que confio tanto. le pregunto si solo seria el tiempo que nos va, que nos hace alejarnos de uno al otro. me contestó diciendo que 1) las circunstancias nos dirigen y no podemos hacer nada sobre esto 2) pero, tenemos el poder de hacer las cosas ser como queremos- implicando que si queremos seguir siendo cercanos y amorosos, seria dentro de nuestra voluntad 3) tal vez nuestros sentimientos hacia el otro se va desvaneciendo, O tal vez va creciendo y fortaleciendo. y sobre esto no tenemos ahora la habilidad de predecir 4) que no este triste 5) que estamos en el presente, los dos juntos al lado del otro en este momento mismo y es esto que vamos a aprovechar. que penita y alegria me da!!

nuestra cita esta noche fue genial: playful, romantic, profound, intense, sweet, light. we were basically gazing at each other through half of the movie (menos mal que compré los tickets a descuento!), y yapo, esto siempre ha sido lo que hacemos. creo que nuestras miradas dicen y reflejan muchisimo. "não fica triste, tá?" me falou muitas veces esta noite. vou tentar, vou tentar...

este fin pasado tambem foi muito bonito, cozinhamos na sua casa e tivemos um jantar bastante romantico- a luz de vela, com muito vinho (porto!) e conversações íntimas. de novo me falou sobre como vê a potencia que eu tenho tanto na vida profissional como como namorada. falou "this might freak you out, promise you won't freak out?" e me falou que sou uma boa namorada (!!!) kkk é engraçado todo entre nós. lhe adoro tanto ao este rapaz tão querido.

but i have reflected on things a fair bit, and he has been such an encourager. crystal was telling me the other day about how someone made her feel like a million bucks just after their first date, and how that was such a big deal. and for sure that's very important numa relação ao longo prazo, que seja edificado todos os dias. me dou conta que josh me faz isso. me fala siempre uma manera muito positiva, muito paciente, com respeito carinho e amor. e me guia, me aconselhar, e verdade um homem que é melhor que mim. só posso esperar que tambem faço isso por ele, que seja alguma influência edificante na sua vida. eu rezo por ele todos os dias porque aparte disso não posso fazer muito. rezo que Deus me da coisas para dizer, coisas que posso lhe dar. e com um amor sincero para ele. tomara que Deus seja seu conforto, sua unica fonte de tudo que precisa.

xoxoxo